I'm often amazed by the depths of geekiness to which I can sink when I get the feeling. In an attempt to boost my stunted vocabulary I've replaced my normal bathroom reading material -- Rolling Stone, Swank, Highlights for Kids -- with the American Heritage Dictionary. Adorning my toilet tank, next to the potpourri and rubber duck, is this tome of perpetual tedium, a bookmark placed only a few pages in. Dictionaries, by function, should not have bookmarks. No one of sound mind reads a dictionary from cover to cover, and yet I am making an attempt.

I've only made it as far as the ab- words, but I have already found some interesting terms to integrate into my writing. "Ablation", for instance, is the amputation of a body part. How many times has "amputation" been inadequate in your prose? Here is a perfect replacement. (Is it?)

I was also elated to discover that "abode", while it usually refers to a dwelling, is also the past tense of "abide". So, in the Big Lebowski, if the Dude did abide as he promised, we could say that the Dude abode.

All of this information in only 3 pages. Someone please kill me.

I was surprised, to some extent, to find words that I've been using incorrectly. "Abase" means "to humble or degrade." I always thought "debase" was used in that context. So I jumped ahead to "debase", knowing full well I might spoil some surprise in this page-turner, to find that "debase" does mean "to degrade". Vindication. But "ablution", on the other hand, turned out to be completely wrong in my feeble mind. I always took "ablution" to mean an offering of food, flesh or spirit, especially in a religious rite. As it happens, ablution means "a washing or cleansing of the body, esp. in a ritual manner." Much sexier.

Is there no end to the amount of useful information I can glean from this 947 page text? Can a brighter, more versatile vocabulary be attained in such a mundane fashion? Before I ever find the answer, I will need to tongue-polish my gun with the safety off.